Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
