I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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