I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
