separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
