I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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