Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You are the jesus of drinking
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
