Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
