just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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