The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
