I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
