Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
