the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
