you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
