The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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