You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
