is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
