I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
sarcasm needs its own font
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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