and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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