My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
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