You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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