It's Friday. Sex?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
