one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize