the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
