im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize