Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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