Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize