Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
being pregnant is like rehab
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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