So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
