She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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