What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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