I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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