So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
