i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
