I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
