Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
