if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
