I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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