Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
