oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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