a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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