Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize