So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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