My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
