I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
