currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
