Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
