A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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