Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
