I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The power of my boobs compel you
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
