Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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