he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
