you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
foreskin is a definite game changer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
