Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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