have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
