So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
