I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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