I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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