Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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