he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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