I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
