I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
