Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
