I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
